Well, y’all. The National Park Service QR code story has landed on my porch, and I don’t know if I can top the bestiality story.
I mean, once you’ve written about the federal government, the FBI and the word bestiality occupying the same damn news cycle, where exactly do you go from there?
There are ceilings.
There are limits.
There are moments when a writer has to accept that the United States government has already handed her the Pulitzer Prize of Fuckery and perhaps she should simply be grateful.
But apparently somebody at the Department of the Interior said, “Hold my commemorative root beer.”
So let me grab my tall glass of lemonade, sit my fat ass on the porch, and get to work.
Because somebody gave the American public a QR code and essentially said:
Tell the federal government what’s bothering you.
Have these people met us?
WHY THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE QR CODE EXISTS
We have to start with the actual government policy because, unfortunately for satire writers everywhere, I don’t have to make this shit up.
In March 2025, President Donald Trump signed Executive Order 14253, Restoring Truth and Sanity to American History.
Yes.
That is its actual name.
Among other things, the executive order directed Interior Secretary Doug Burgum to review monuments, memorials, statues, markers and other federal properties.
The administration said the goal was to prevent federal historical sites from presenting what it regarded as improperly disparaging portrayals of Americans and American history.
The Department of the Interior subsequently ordered reviews of materials throughout national parks.
Then came the National Park Service QR code.
Notices placed in parks invited visitors to scan a QR code and report signs or information they believed were negative about Americans or failed to sufficiently emphasize the beauty and grandeur of America’s natural landscapes.
Let me stop right here.
You gave Americans a QR code.
An unrestricted QR code.
And essentially said:
Tell us what you think.
Who approved this?
Because I would like to send that person an Edible Arrangement.
MORE THAN 35,000 PEOPLE ANSWERED
According to a September 16, 2026 analysis by The Guardian, visitors submitted more than 35,000 comments between June 2025 and January 2026.
Thirty.
Five.
Thousand.
The comments became available after groups including the Sierra Club and National Parks Conservation Association sought the records through the Freedom of Information Act.
The Guardian analyzed the responses and found at least 19,000 supported the parks or opposed the administration’s effort.
So let’s review.
Government:
Please tell us whether the National Park Service is being insufficiently complimentary about America.
Thousands of Americans:
Actually, since you asked…
And that’s when our little nature walk wandered completely off the fucking trail.
AMERICANS DISCOVERED THE COMMENT BOX
Some visitors used the system to defend park rangers.
Some argued that uncomfortable parts of American history should remain visible.
Some criticized the administration.
Some criticized the entire review.
Others apparently looked at this magnificent new communication channel to the federal government and realized:
Wait. I can put anything in here.
Now we’re cooking.
At North Cascades National Park, one visitor reportedly submitted a complaint consisting of four magnificent words:
“Didn’t see any Bigfeets.”
Excuse me?
BIGFEETS?
Not Bigfoot.
Bigfeets.
Plural.
This citizen apparently entered the American wilderness, surveyed the mountains, trees, wildlife and majesty of the Pacific Northwest and identified a glaring deficiency requiring federal attention:
Not enough Sasquatches.
And you know what?
Thank you for your service.
Somebody needed to say it.
THEN CAME THE COMMEMORATIVE ROOT BEER
Not everybody was using the system to criticize the administration.
Some visitors actually agreed that historical interpretation had gone too far.
Which somehow made this even better.
At the Harry S. Truman National Historic Site, one visitor objected to language connecting Truman-era history with modern diversity concepts.
The reported response included this extraordinary sentence:
“I nearly choked on my commemorative root beer.”
Sir.
Ma’am.
Whoever you are.
I have questions.
Where did the commemorative root beer come from?
Was Harry Truman on the bottle?
Was it cold?
Did someone perform the Heimlich?
Most importantly, was the root beer itself sufficiently patriotic?
Because I have now forgotten the entire policy debate.
I am emotionally invested in the beverage.
APPARENTLY PAUL REVERE DRIVES FOR UBER NOW
At the Booker T. Washington National Monument, another visitor objected to applying modern terminology to historical figures and reportedly compared the practice to calling Paul Revere an Uber driver.
Now I’m sitting on my porch imagining the app.
YOUR DRIVER PAUL IS ARRIVING.
Vehicle: Brown Horse.
License plate: BRITISHRCOMING.
Estimated arrival: Two minutes.
Paul has completed 1,775 rides.
★★★★★
“Excellent driver. Yelled the entire trip.”
Surge pricing currently applies because the Redcoats are outside.
This is precisely why you cannot hand Americans technology and expect us to behave.
We landed people on the moon.
We invented the internet.
We built the interstate highway system.
And if you give us a QR code, sooner or later somebody is going to report a shortage of Bigfeets.
That is our heritage.
Put THAT on a federal sign.
THEN PEOPLE STARTED REPORTING REGULAR PARK SHIT
Other visitors apparently decided that if the federal government genuinely wanted feedback, they had some.
Bathrooms.
Walkways.
Staffing.
Natural conditions.
Earlier batches of responses included someone at Abraham Lincoln Birthplace National Historical Park wanting more public restrooms.
At Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve, somebody complained about a marsh affecting a walkway.
And at Glacier National Park, somebody reportedly alerted the government that the glacier was retreating.
Well.
Thank God somebody told Glacier National Park about the glacier.
I assume a ranger immediately ran outside, looked toward the mountain and screamed:
“SHIT. GARY. COME LOOK AT THIS.”
BUT THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE QR CODE STORY ISN’T JUST FUNNY
Here’s where I put down the lemonade.
Because underneath Bigfeets, Uber Paul Revere and commemorative root beer is an actual dispute over who gets to decide how the United States tells its history.
The administration argues that federal historical sites should not portray the country as inherently racist, sexist or oppressive and should give greater emphasis to American achievement and progress.
Critics argue that removing or changing material about slavery, Indigenous history, civil rights and other painful subjects sanitizes history rather than correcting it.
The current fight isn’t theoretical.
National Park Service materials have been reviewed, and signs dealing with subjects including slavery, Indigenous history and climate change have been removed from some locations under the administration’s initiative.
Which leaves a question considerably larger than a QR code:
Is the government’s job to make history flattering—or to make history accurate?
Sometimes those two things coexist.
Sometimes they absolutely do not.
Slavery happened.
Japanese American incarceration happened.
The displacement of Indigenous peoples happened.
Extraordinary American accomplishments happened too.
Acknowledging one does not erase the other.
History isn’t a Yelp review.
You don’t get to give the eighteenth century three stars because the service was problematic.
THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE QR CODE GOT EXACTLY WHAT IT ASKED FOR
The federal government created a mechanism allowing ordinary Americans to comment directly on what they encountered in national parks.
Then ordinary Americans commented.
Boy, did they comment.
Some defended historical accuracy.
Some defended park employees.
Some agreed with the administration.
Some complained about bathrooms.
Some complained about terminology.
Some complained about the survey itself.
And somebody apparently went looking for Bigfoot and came home disappointed.
Now somewhere inside the federal government exists a database containing all of it.
That may be the most American outcome imaginable.
You asked for public participation.
Congratulations.
You got the public.
More than 35,000 comments’ worth.
Now somebody please locate those missing Bigfeets.
This nation has suffered enough.
—-YOUR GIRL KAH
Got a taste for Black history nobody bothered to tell you? Meet Pepper Saint Clair — Black History Inquisitor, cultural troublemaker, and professional digger of stories hiding in plain sight. She finds the history. I suggest you read it. PepperSaintClair.com
